Reflections of a 30 Year Old

Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me! Yes that is right on Monday I turned 31 years old (was very spoilt too) and incredibly have a lot to reflect on in this past year that saw me enter my thirties. There were a lot of highs and lows, a lot of tears and a lot of laughs.

Should I start with the highs or the lows first? Let's begin with the low so that we end on a high.

The lowest point saw me become someone I did not recognise when I looked in the mirror. Normally I am a very easy going, in control person however this past year I was anything but this. I won't go to much into as you can read all about it here. In short I am not all that in control when it comes to being a mum to two young children and a wife to a husband that works away Monday to Friday.

Not only did this cause major issues with the sort of mother I was being, a cranky, fly of the handle type but it was detrimental to my marriage too. If I had not sought the help I did, in the way of medication, I can say with some certainty that my husband would have had great cause to leave me and take the children. But I did, I did get help and am slowly climbing back up and discovering part of my old self while forging new habits a long the way.

Another major blow during the year was losing my Aunty Marilyn, unexpectedly. She was my second mum growing up. She is the reason I love to be crafty and why I love to put so much effort into hosting kick arse parties. I don't do it to be pretentious; I do it because I LOVE IT. I love being unique and creative, it is as simple as that. Something I heard my mum say this past weekend as we celebrated Lil Guy's 1st birthday is "Aunty Marilyn will never be gone" and that is true I will carry on being creative and will try to pass on that to my children in her memory.

Aunty Marilyn and I had my Year 12 formal in 1998

Hubby also lost his uncle unexpectedly and this really hit home that with our years passing so are our parents. I didn't know when that child like fantasy that our parents are immortal would fade but given these two major losses to our family it has caused that fantasy to crumble. Already my father has had a close call with his heart and thankfully he is still here to see his grandchildren grow. I just wish my parents, all three of them, would stop and enjoy life a little more. They all work far too much.

So those were the lows, not too many but the few that occurred, they were major to us as a family and I am so thankful to be past them. We shall never forget those who have left us but we will mourn them happily and not dwell on why they were taken to early. As for my own mental anguish I will continue to fight through it and teach myself to be the mother and wife I long to be.

On to the highs, some are major and some are simply just trivial milestones that I am proud to have made;

One day after I had my 30th birthday we was thrilled to welcome our son into this world. I knew as soon as he arrived that our lil fam was complete. His birth wasn't as perfect as his sister's but it was not as traumatic as many others experience. Due to my own fault we spent most of the first 24 hours a part due to his low blood sugar. Short story, I had Gestational Diabetes with both pregnancies. First time I managed it like a pro but still had to have insulin. Second time I was more relaxed and fought to stay off the insulin which resulted in my poor baby being hooked up to an IV drip. As I said things could have been much worse and in hind sight I am so grateful that was our only mountain to conquered.

Image taken by Sara Rosetta Photography

Something most of you will not know and really until now have no reason to have known is that I had an irrational fear of driving. It was not until 2010 and moving to a quite coastal town that I got the nerve to even get behind the wheel for any period of time. Previously living in an overpopulated tourist city had me so petrified that even thinking of driving had me to the point of a panic attack. In February 2011, just 7 months shy of turning 30 I went for my driving test and PASSED first go! So that was one major but trivial milestone I achieved that I am exceptional pleased with myself for too.

Hubby quit the job he took to move us up here and has started a Mature Age Apprenticeship. Now yes it has put us into a bit of a spin financially considering he is the sole income earner and that income has now halved but we are managing. This apprenticeship will secure our future and allow us the freedom we have longed for, financially.

Seeing Lil Miss flourish into a bright intelligent child is also among the highs. She has really lost that toddler look and is now turning into a beautiful young girl who next year starts Kindergarten and then onto Prep at school, wow that spins me out. She and Lil Guy are truly the best thing to wake up every morning, even if it is a reluctant wake up and often before the sun has risen.

Image taken by myself for Alex&Grace Designs

Friendships, now I still haven't covered this with it's own post but let me just say close, long standing friendships are not something I can say I have. Don't get me wrong there are a few I call long term friends and miss them dearly now that we live so far a part but we are not as close as to call each other and chat for hours. I think technology has a lot to do with though as really we have no need to discuss what is happening in our lives when it is posted in the way of Facebook status updates and Instagram photos for all to see at their leisure. Back to where I was getting with this high, this past year I have really grown close to a few lovely ladies here where we live and I am so grateful to them even though they probably do not realise or even know why. Their friendship and support this past year means the world to me and I will be forever grateful no matter where our lives take up in the future.

So there is it my year as a 30 year old in short form and now to sit, quietly and reflect on how I want my 31st year to go.

Be sure to check back soon for a run down on Lil Guy's 1st birthday party and our hoard of visitors this past week. Here is a little sneak peak;

Organising The Chaos!

Since being on the mediation (see Caution: Emotional Pile Up In Progress) I am reconnecting with my inner Neat Freak.

One of my major hang ups at the height of my depression was the chaos around me. It caused me to have major anxiety issues and our home became a dumping ground. There was piles of crap everywhere. Whenever I got the urge to do something about it I would take one look around and be so overwhelmed I would slink back to the couch to procrastinate about it some more, hence never actually getting around to it.

Within a week of starting the anti depression meds I was on fire organising left, right and centre. I got quite a lot accomplished and it felt amazing, so liberating. Though it was short lived as once hubby was sent away for work again I allowed the house to crumble in a heap, myself along with it. I picked myself back up again and found The Organised Housewife's 20 Days to Organise and Clean Your Home Challenge. Some of what Katrina has in the pre challenge tasks I already have in place some what. Thanks to the timing of this challenge though I am working on make our routines more concrete and finally getting back to having this house run like a well oiled machine. Here some are photos of what I had done prior (sorry I neglected to take before photos) to the challenge beginning;

 

In our kitchen we have two large deep drawers, in the bottom one I keep all the baking trays etc. Before the meds (B.M) this draw was a disaster. 

Thanks to some nifty plate stackers from Kmart for all of about $5 each I was able to stack a lot of the trays and pans.

B.M. the plates and bowls would slide all over the place in the top draw. They slide no more with the use of a Kmart plate stacker for our plates and a Can Shelf for the kidlets bowls and plates. 

A nice tidy (aka OCD Neat Freak) oragnise pantry is the result of a Facebook Free Weekend (FFW). I am in love with our great is and I have done so much more baking since. I really should take recent photo as this was also taken prior to my Clean Eating : My Way.

Once again B.M. I had rushed out and bought whiteboards and corkboards but never got around to putting them up. They both need a nice coat of bright paint and it's on the TO DO LIST, I promise. This is such a handy little area to have in an other wise big wasted space next to the fridge and above the garage bin.

Keep watching for more posts on Clean Eating and of the 20 Day Organise and Clean Your Home Challenge by TOH!

Putting My Big Girl Panties On!!!

Yesterday we found out we need to replace the radiator in our car, something we only just did almost 14 months ago not to mention an expense we do not need right now. We have Lil Guy's 1st birthday party in a week plus registration for the car is due at the same time. Not to mention the heartache recently of loved ones leaving us far too soon and unexpectingly.

Of course the first thing I did was sit on the lounge and get lost in my own little online world. All the while pigging out on salty, fatty, sugary foods. I had my little outbursts, the way of Facebook status updates, for all my friends and family too see of course.

By late afternoon, after looking around the house and seeing the chaos as well as looking down to see Lil Guy tugging on my leg for attention, I realised I had to snap out of it and fast. It really scared me how one minor set back in the big scheme of things saw me nose dive into a depressive state.

So this morning I woke up with a clear mind and got back on the horse with my Big Girl Panties on, ready to tackle life head on. I think the universe sensed this and rewarded us with a much cheaper option on getting our car on the road again this weekend.

Now I have spent far too much time online already today so I am off to get a real start on The Organised Housewife's 20 Days to Organise and Clean Your Home Challenge.

Caution: Emotional Pile Up In Progress

Well I guess it is about time I shared some home truths with the world. For the past few months I have been taking anti depressants. There I said it, it is out there for everyone to read. See my big issue with putting it out there is that for many years I saw depression as an excuse. I really did not see what was so wrong with peoples' lives that they would cause them to feel so, well depressed. Now after experiencing first hand I wholeheartedly apologise to anyone I unintentionally judged when learning of their depression.

Do not get me wrong though I still believe some people require more self awareness of their lives and need to much much more to help themselves. Simply being on medication for depression or any similar illness is not good enough as I am learning. You can allow it to be an excuse if you do not work at making yourself better and you can not do this solely on medication.

I thought I had it sorted with the medication I am taking, hubby starting a new job which saw him home each night after work and a new wardrobe to brighten my day. I was wrong though. Not even three months into the new job which was to solve all our problems, except money of course, hubby is now back working away Monday to Friday and I am here playing duo role as mummy and daddy to our two rugrats. Now I can already hear some of you say "So what that is my life everyday" and I take my hat of those that either do the single parent thing or similar. I have learnt that, well I am just not made up of the stuff it takes to handle those pressures. I like to think I am tough but I am not that tough it seems. 

I just deleted what was becoming quite a large point form run down as to the reason I believe me to being on medication. I deleted it because it sounded like I was trying to hard to explain myself and well I just do not want to have to justify it to anyone. So just know that my life as a mum to two young children and a husband who worked away most weeks took its toll on me. My problems are not that big compared to most but to me they are and that is enough for me.

Not only did I start taking medication, I also had to come to terms with weaning my Lil Guy and moving him from our bed. I am a big breastfeeding advocate and Miss S self weaned at fourteen months, never to have a drop of formula. Now at almost 11 months Lil Guy is fully bottle fed and sleeping full time in his own cot, with minimal fuss of going to sleep by himself. It took me a month to be fine with doing this as I battled with myself internally about every aspect of what this would mean. I had to be alright with it knowing that in years to come I might want to blame myself for stopping too soon. I am okay with it and really believe it was best thing for all of us. As they say "The Proof Is In The Pudding" and now that we have more of a routine with Lil Guy, he is *touch wood* only waking once per night opposed to up to three or four times to go to the boob more so for comfort than for hunger. He even went a full 8 hours straight the other night.

Like with everything in life things are not easy and our latest curve ball first had me acting like a spoilt child who had their presents taken away from them, on Christmas morning, after only being allow to open them. Hubby has for the past week and a half been sent away for work, even though he took this new, much lower paying, job just so he could be home every night. So as gutted as I am and after eating myself silly I now need to pick my sorry self up, dust my new skinny jeans off and find a scenic detour around this latest emotional pile up.

Anyway none of the above probably is well written but that is not the point of this post. The point is that I have so much going on inside and out that I just need somewhere to digest it. It has taken me a few weeks to finally get to this stage of posting and if I wait any longer I fear I may internally combust.

One thing I am liking about the new found me on this journey though is actually old parts of me that I thought might have been lost since becoming a mum. Thankfully though you never truly loss your old self it just moves over to make room for new parts but is always there to lift you up when the time calls.

Anyone who feels things are getting too much for them, for whatever reason, I urge to call Beyond Blue on 1300 224 636 and speak with someone today. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help!